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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ive not seen any joke of the day posts so here goes

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.
The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

i guess it a start... :lol:
 

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very good Rik... :lol:

Heres another one.

A bloke gets home after a hard day at work and flops down into his favourite comfy chair in front of the telly. "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?' he calls out. Honey faithfully obliges and brings him a frosty one from the fridge. :D

After a few minutes he calls out again 'Honey can you get me another one before it starts?'.. so she grudgingly brings him another. :?

A couple of minutes later he's at it again...'Honey, before it starts can you grab me another beer?"....

Anyway, by this stage Honey has had enough... 'You ungrateful bastard, you come home from work and do nothing around the place, I've been looking after the kids all day, washing, cooking blah blah blah..

"Oh shit, it's started" he says :roll: :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
lmao nice one Cid
And can i just say i loved you in Ice age and im going to have to buy number 2 soon :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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Hey guys, call me old fashioned but I personally dont find this material suitable for our fine forum.
Cheers,
Jake
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I only post this as some fun for people to share some jokes and have a laugh...........But if it people dont like it then im more then happy for a mod to remove it. Was just some light hearted fun :)
 

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Guys, this is a public forum and people of all ages, both genders, creeds etc are welcomed. Our focus is kayak fishing.

However we are people and people like to have fun, to range off-topic - essentially to be social. This is a good thing and, for the most part, works very well on this board. I would not like to see us diminish this aspect of the board.

However, when going off the topic of kayak fishing we have a responsibility to ensure that we do not diminish the joy that other members will take from this board. This means we have to take the sensibilities of others into account. In particular, there is simply no reason for use to be publishing material that can reasonably be expected to offend some members, particularly when that material is off-topic.

In posting initially, Rik went to the extent of including in the subject of the post a request to keep it clean. It has since degenerated into jokes involving sexual practices that many members would not want to discuss with their children. I don't believe that this is appropriate.

I have refrained from taking moderator action to date because I am trying not to be the fun-police. However I think two of the jokes have gone too far for a public forum without membership restrictions. Others, I think are in poor taste, promoting attitudes towards women that I don't believe are acceptable. However, I think my standards in this regard might be a little out of step with the general community so have taken no action on them.

Humour is very important. But we must be careful not to wound each other with it. There are some marvellous jokes out there that are harmless. I ask you to try stick to those.
 

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I thought I should explain a bit more about which of the remaining jokes I have trouble with and why. I don't want to personalise this and do not intend any negative comments toward the posters.

Rik's opening joke is a problem for me because it presumes that it is not possible for a man, unless impaired, to associate with, let alone be attracted to, a woman that another man judges in this case to be overweight or physically unattractive. This is undiluted sexism and probably offensive to most women.

On the other hand DaveyG's first joke is about sexist behaviour. It does not require one to be prejudiced toward another or to judge them badly to enjoy the joke.

Breambo's joke is certainly not sexist because it makes no mention or implication of gender. Basing a prejudice on hair colour on the other hand is borderline racism. In non-caucasian dominated countries, blonde jokes are easily seen as racist. In caucasian dominated countries they are seen for what they are, a criticism of those who dumb themselves down and trade on superficiality. Some take offense at blonde jokes. I have no problem.

Davey's second joke is puerile, making it perfectly acceptable.

Sorry for getting so analytical, but I thought this might help understand how jokes may be viewed and how they can wound. As I wrote before, I don't want to stop jokes being posted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Deep Thoughts

If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Guns don't kill people - Wifes who come home early kill people.

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
 

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first time I read this I absolutely cracked up, try and keep a straight face this is a pearler:

Notes From an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Phoenix (A very Indian suburb of Durban, South Africa).

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indians are crazy.

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curryr Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tangs.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry Great kick. Need more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was standing behind me fresh refills; that babe is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those guy's

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through my chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Savathree; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd had reacted to a really hot curry?
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
OMG Blaen
I almost hyperventilated i couldnt breath.
I had to stop at number 5 and come back to it ten mins later
Man that some funny stuff... :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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Holy Shit!,

I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks, pissed myself laughing. that is the funniest thing I have ever read. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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Ever tried reading something like that out loud to get a person on the other side of a room to hear it.
I did it. and the tears were rolling down my dufter, laughed so much whilst trying to read it, and trying to wobble my head from side to side and making a really bad kispatch of a Bombay accent.

Cheers Andybear :lol:
 

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Sorry, when I saw this I just couldn't resist posting it

Puns

1. A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during root canal work? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.... Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good Fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that ..... only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
 
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