Joke thread - Post them here!

[kayakone]

The Seven Dwarfs visit the Vatican



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Trevor

[BIGKEV]

A scrawny white guy with penis size issues is using a urinal trough at a bar one night when a large black man steps up beside him unzips his fly and releases a monster to start taking a leak.

The white guy glances across and catches sight of his neighbours huge member and scoffs in disbelief "I don't farking believe it, why do you black guys have such massive cocks!!??" "I was born with a little dick and I've tried everything to try and get it a bit bigger, all the pills, all the machines and nothing works, how come you guys just get born with these huge dicks?"

The black guy, seeing an opportunity to have some fun and mess with the white guys mind says, "We're not born this way brother, we have to work at increasing the size of these things, but it is a a bit of a cultural secret and I shouldn't really be saying anything about it".

Amazed by this comment the white guy, begs for more information on how to make his old fella as big as a black mans. Eventually the black man says, "Man, you need to use gravity! Gravity is the key. Tie a piece of string to a brick, and then tie this to the end of your penis, adjust the string length so that it just hangs the brick mid air over the side of your bed when you are sleeping, do this each night and gravity will do the rest"

The white guy thanks his new best friend and rushes home early to trial his new technique.

Several weeks later in the same bar, the black man bumps into the white guy with penis issues once more. Expecting to be punched for giving this desperate man such dodgy advice, he sheepishly asks whether he has continued with the gravity treatment and if he has noticed any progress.

Much to his amazement the white guys enthusiastically confirms that he is indeed continuining with the gravity treatment and in regards to progress notes that "I'm half way there".

Curiosity gets the better of the black prankster and he asks,"What do you mean half way?"

Proud as punch, the white guy says "It's Black!!!"

[BIGKEV]

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm????
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Just follow the fresh prints.....

[kayakone]

Lonely

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and
she was a bit lonely.



She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a
guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick
wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a penny off his well oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.



"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . .. Oh my, he
sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated,
she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like
you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex
I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go
hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and
whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that
sound?"


He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to
press 9 for an outside line."

[Daveyak]

A wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen"
The husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"
The wife texts back: "Computer completely stuffed now".

[Zed]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet
on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your
duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing
on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at
the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes
later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[kayakone]

[killer]

I received this from a friend

Drinking and Driving!!!

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving, and
you should all take heed.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at a
Downtown watering hole and had a few too many beers and some rather nice
red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough we passed a police road block, but, since it was a bus, they
waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise because I have
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[spork]

Joke. ^^^

[killer]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!!


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?


To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one
for March......."

[BrisbaneJamie]

................

[killer]

It's Hell to be Old :
It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[kayakone]

Stephen the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilize the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Stephen, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Stephen’s bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Stephen had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Trevor was so proud of Stephen, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Stephen became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The Result?

The judges not only awarded Stephen the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Stephen was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Trevor

[Zed]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?". The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!

[MY03VY]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little
cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but
she was dead.'


The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.


The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?


'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again